Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Florida = Rudy's Retirement

Dear Rudy aka Mr 9/11,

So sorry (not really) about your failure in the primaries. I guess shamelessly exploiting one's attachment to an American tragedy isn't quite the political goldmine it once was, even if it has been and will remain to be (depressingly enough) a financial windfall.

Being a hero for one day (even if a lot of the problems stemmed from your own negligence, like putting the OEM in the friggin' World Trade Center fer chrissakes) doesn't quite cut it when you're up against a man who suffered brutal torture for five years in Vietnam, never once flinching, and has dedicated his entire life to the well-being of our nation. As I said yesterday, you're no TR, nor are you John McCain. Not even close. Not even a LITTLE BIT close.

Oh, I know, I know, even if you're not so much of a hero, you're still "the man who cleaned up NYC." Even though crime began to fall under Mayor Dinkins - who hired lots more police? Even though it was really Bill Bratton who instituted things like CompStat and "broken windows" policing (and who, when he got the proper credit, you had fired and replaced with such great leaders as Howard Safir and Bernie Kerik)? Even though it was Clinton policies that led to NYC's incredible economic boom? Yes, take the credit. Never stopped you before.

Do you also take the credit for your campaign's utter and disastrous failure? "The path to the nomination is in Florida," you thought. "I'll get all these New York retirees to vote for me and that'll give me momentum into Super Tuesday!" Since when do a bunch of rich Early Bird Specialers make Presidents? My theory: you didn't want to campaign in colder states like Michigan and South Carolina, so you went to Florida for January where it's warm.

I've heard first-hand accounts of how when you were the USDA that there were people in your office who's sole job was to get you in the papers each day. How will you now handle being yesterday's news?
Not to mention that this marks the SECOND time you've dropped out of a race where one of your opponents might have been Hillary Clinton. She's a tougher broad than you, even when you're in drag!

Well, I guess it's back home to Park Avenue and the Hamptons, you friend to the working stiff. This marks the last time Mr NYC will ever write anything about you. You love attention more than anything else. Well, you will no longer get it here.
And how long will it be until there's a FOURTH Mrs. G?

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