Thursday, April 5, 2007

How to Stand on a Subway Platform

Believe it or not, there are rules on how you should wait for the subway. First, try not to stand too close to anyone - otherwise you might find yourself getting breathed on. Second, avoid eye-contact with strangers (unless it's with attractive members of the opposite gender or your own gender, if you swing that way). Third, be on the look out for rats - those pesky creatures are a' scurrying everywhere. And fourth, most importantly, stay away from the track!

Oh, there are so many good reasons for this. The most obvious one is that you don't want to fall onto the track and get run over. This creates quite a mess. Also, you want to avoid any possible contact with the dreaded radioactive third rail - you touch it, you die (there's a reason why those who tinker with Social Security are accused on "touching the third rail" in politics - its fatal). But beyond all those good, sensible safety precautions, there is another vitally more important reason: you don't want to look like those people who lean over the track and stare ... stare ... stare down the tunnel ... waiting ... waiting ... oh dear God waiting for the train to roll in. Hint: you are not telekinetic. You are not going to pull in the train with the power of your eyesight. The train will announce its arrival with a blinding light and deafening roar. Risking your life by leaning over the track hoping in vain will not make the train come any faster. So please, hang back.

Fortunately, the MTA is doing its part to help: you may have noticed that the painted yellow lines on subway platforms (that used to be points of no return markers) are being replaced with big yellow bumps that make standing on the edge of the platform most uncomfortable. Heed their warning ... just chill.

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