Investigate 'Dis!

The subject of investigations -- namely, who should or shouldn't be investigated and for what -- is much in the news these days.

In politics, the president is being investigated again after already having been investigated and people are either cheering on these investigations or decrying them by demanding that the investigations be investigated. Then, in media, we have Ronan Farrow promoting his new book about how he investigated the misconduct of powerful men and how these same guys were investigating him during his investigations! 

We now live in a world of investigations and counter-investigations and investigations of these counter-investigations. And on and on.

Quite frankly, I'm investigated out!

These aforementioned investigations are big time and dramatic, involving prominent people in the most powerful of industries, big money, and the highest of stakes. But most investigations are much more small bore.

For example, this woman named Marie Schembri who has been a private investigator for thirty years and works out of Brooklyn. She began her career following cheaters, namely romantic or financial ones, proving their indiscretions to their victims, i.e. her clients. Marie used to go on stake-outs, dressed in various disguises, snapping photos, nailing da' bastards in like an old-fashioned sleuth. These days she does most of her prying online.

What's interesting is there's apparently a new field of investigations that Marie specializes in: couples spying on each other at the beginning of a relationship. Not your classic case of people finding out if their spouses are cheating on them or stealing their money. No, instead she assists a person who is getting newly intimate with someone and vetting their l'object d'amour -- making sure the person really is who he or she says he or she is, making sure they're not already married or working for the mob or engaged in some kind of long-con or has a criminal record or is bankrupt or has tax liens against them or any such horror that you might imagine.

This is crazy and of course quite logical -- investigating your maybe soon-to-be-beloved to make sure they don't have any nasty surprises in store for you. Makes sense.

Still, investigating your paramour at the beginning of a relationship is decidedly non-romantic. It's depressing, shows that trust is basically non-existent unless verified. And it's a secret that you will need either to keep from your beloved or one day confess to -- and that could get messy.

If I found out that some lady I was dating (if I, pun totally intended, investigated this and found out that I was being investigated), I'd be pissed, deeply offended. And I'd tell her, like the true New Yorker that I am, "Hey! Investigate 'dis!" -- and leave.

Talking about investigations, I recently re-watched the great 1973 Robert Altman movie The Long Goodbye re-imagines private eye Philip Marlowe as a bumbling weirdo played by Elliot Gould. If I was ever to be a professional investigator, I'd probably be him!