“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” -- Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet
Britannica Dictionary definition of BITCH 1
[count] : a female dog 2
[count] informal + offensive : a very bad or unpleasant woman : a woman you strongly dislike or hate * You stupid bitch! * I hate that bitch. 3
[singular] informal : something that is very difficult or unpleasant * Divorce is a bitch. * That word is a bitch to spell.
— see also "son of a bitch"
The word "bitch" is funny. And Howard Stern is funny.
So when Howard Stern talks about bitches, it's really funny.
Here's an excerpt from a 2005 New York magazine article where he was talking with the rapper 50 Cent about bitches:
... Howard had 50 Cent in the studio. Howard wanted to hear about 50 Cent’s “bitches" ... The rapper said a couple were waiting back at the hotel—he even remembered one of the bitches’ names. Howard wanted to call the bitches.
Howard clearly enjoyed saying the word bitches, which he thought was funny coming from him.
Tom Chiusano, K-Rock’s general manager, didn’t appreciate the humor.
“They call dogs bitches,” Howard said. “It’s a common word.”
Chiusano entered the studio, a small, dingy, low-ceilinged room where Howard sits behind a large U-shaped console. Chiusano, who favors black tasseled loafers and pinstripes, explained that the repetition of the word bitch made it potentially indecent. Obligingly, he spoke into a microphone. “I’m not wrong,” he said, which didn’t exactly sound bold.
... 50 piled on. “Bitches,” he mentioned.
And then listen to this more recent rap that Howard himself wrote and performed about bitches, specifically about "slow bitches":
A bitch said by any other name ... do you think Shakespeare would have been amused?
Last year I blogged about how,when Howard Stern talks about bitches, it's funny. And when he talks about bitches with rappers, it's really funny.
In 2005 Howard and 50 Cent talked about bitches and remembering the names of 50's bitches, and then in 2007 they revisited the subject in a wide ranging interview. It's funny and fun. Watch it:
Thirty-years ago this month a little arthouse movie opened that portended a cultural revolution: Reservoir Dogs, the debut of director Quentin Tarantino, was a smart, violent, funny, thoughtful look at a bunch of professional criminals carrying out a jewelry heist that goes very wrong. It was a 1990s movie inspired by a 1970s grindhouse aesthetic, and a rare film where the storytelling and dialogue were as compelling as the action.
There are many memorable moments in Reservoir Dogs: the opening where "the dogs" sit around and talk casually about Madonna and tipping waitresses before going to commit a violent crime; the gruesome, infamous ear-slicing scene; the "commode story" sequence where one of the characters tells a tall tale, and an enormous amount of tension is built up, about something that actually never happened; the debate about how "black bitches", unlike "white bitches", don't tolerate abusive men, along with a reminiscences of 1970s show Get Christy Love (catchphrase: "You're under arrest, sugah'!"); the assignment of the characters names like Mr White, Mr Blue, Mr Orange, and Mr Pink ("'Cause you're a faggot alright!"). And, of course, the brutal ending.
For me, however, the best part is "K-Billy Super Sounds of the '70s", a radio show that plays throughout the movie and introduces the various songs we hear. K-Billy is voiced by a super-deadpanning Steven Wright, a flat monotone that contrasts with the hyper-violence and over-the-top behavior we see throughout the movie.
When this movie came out, I was in high school, and had fallen in love with the idea of being a "personality DJ", a voice that haunted the city and that gave resonance to the music being played. This was the time of Allison Steele and Scott Muni, and when Howard Stern was at his most outrageous self. This was before corporate-consolidation and voice-tracking and podcasts drained the life out of music radio -- the voice made the music, the music became something deeper, and it did so brilliantly in Reservoir Dogs.
Here are three funny clips that have NOTHING to do with each other except that are tangentially-related by one thing -- NYC -- and, yours truly Mr NYC, love for them.
First funny clip: former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg swallowing his multi-billion dollar pride and announcing that he was wrong to support and implement the totally racist "stop and frisk" policing policy when he was in office. He's been out for almost six years and, I guess, had has time to reflect on this policy since his successor as mayor stopped it and crime has only gone down since then. What makes this funny, besides seeing a super rich and powerful guy publicly eat crow, is that he's only doing it now since he's running for president. It's an expedient coming to Jesus moment for an otherwise stubborn man. Funny!
Next funny clip: did you know that the great '90s NYC show Mad About You is coming back? Yes! It's back! Starting on November 20th! NYC's favorite yuppies Paul and Jamie Buchman will return to their living room and invade ours with their amusing hijinks and banter and all-around hilarity. And they're really freakin' old!
I remember watching this show in college when I was living far away from the city and it gave me some much-needed doses of NYC-therapy. It's also the show that made me want to get married and tell my beloved that I was her "houseboy Coco" (okay, that's creepy, I admit, but I was young). I cannot wait to see these new episodes -- just hope they're as good as the originals!
Final funny clip: one of my favorite movies of this year is Dolemite is My Name, the sweet Eddie Murphy-starring biopic of influential '70s comedian Rudy Ray Moore. Mr. Moore's comic alter-ego was a man named Dolemite, a "rappin' and tappin'" pimp who claimed that "Dolemite is my name and fucking up motherfuckers is my game!" In addition to this impressive skill, he could also "handcuff lightening and throw thunder's ass in jail!" so he was quite multi-talented.
Mr. Moore wasn't just a comedian but he also made a movie about Dolemite -- and the biopic is about the making of this movie. Mr. Moore had a strict criteria for what made a great movie: comedy, kung fu, and "bitches", and the original Dolemite had all three.
Anyway, in the early 1990's, Rudy Ray Moore, as Dolemite, did a brilliant rap contest with the highly popular NYC rapper Big Daddy Kane. It became known as "Dolemite vs. Big Daddy Kane" and it is easily one of the funniest, wildest, dare I say most poetic things I've ever heard. In this rap, which you must listen to, Dolemite states that he does not take a back seat to any rapper and he informs Mr. Daddy Kane, that "when it comes down to rappin', I was through with it before you learned what to do with it!" He then talks more about performing various feats of impossible physical bravery as well as how he likes to ride "up and down in" a woman's private area and make it "weaker" and "deeper." Lovely #MeToo era stuff. Anyway, listen and laugh!
If you pay attention to the news, the media is full of hysterical fearmongering, trying to convince the denizens of this 8.8 million strong burg that it's a crime ridden hell-hole, a dystopia of sorts.
This, of course, is nonsense -- crime remains WAY lower than it was even twenty-years ago, the city is quite safe -- but fear sells, helps otherwise unpopular (i.e. Republican) politicians get elected, the media does everything to help them, and they use it to pursue an agenda in government that no one actually likes.
It's happened before and will go on and on, ad infinitum.
New York City is in no ways a dystopia but the image of the city as some kind of scary place persists. Obviously this has been captured in movies such as Taxi Driver and The Warriors from the 1970s, at a time when the city really did seem to be verging on the dystopic.
Two other movies, very different in premise and plot, show another way that NYC might be dystopic. They couldn't be more different in story and tone, as one is totally surreal and out-there while the other is disturbingly believable and possible -- and something some New Yorkers have really dealt with.
Escape from New York (1981) by John Carpenter is about how Manhattan island, in the year 1997(!) has become a literal wall-off prison where the most dangerous criminals have been sent to live out their lives in an abandoned urban jungle. When Air Force One crashes into the island (thanks to terrorists from the Soviet Union which the USA is at war with), a prisoner named Snake (Kurt Russell) is sent-in to rescue the President in 24-hours -- or he'll literally die. Along the way, he recruits a bizarro cab driver played by Ernest Borgnine and a man from Snake's past played by Harry Dean Stanton. There's also a hot chick and lots of weirdos who follow Snake on his mission, trying to free the president from the crime lord who rules this hell-hole played by, of all people, Isaac Hayes (he of "Shaft" fame). While the premise from Escape from New York is insane, it's a remarkably straight-forward and smartly paced action movie -- and unlike movies today that are non-stop action sequences with tiny bits of plot, in this movie the plot drives the action, and there actually isn't that much violence. And Kurt Russell shows what a great leading man he is, and why he's had a very long career. If you want to see the ultimate NYC as dystopia movie, this is it.
Then there's Single White Female (1992). Now this is a scary movie -- it should have been called These White Bitches Are Crazy! This is a believably dystopic story -- in fact, the only unbelievable thing about it is that two underemployed women could afford a huge apartment in the Ansonia. This is about how the greatest danger you can find in this city might literally be in your own home! Bridget Fonda stars as a woman named Allie who finds out that her handsome fiance is cheating so she kicks him out and gets a roommate named Hedy (Jennifer Jason Leigh, brilliant as always). At first Allie and Hedy get along great, become friends, and life seems good. But when Allie gets back together with the fiance, all goes wrong -- Hedy becomes jealous, starts to pretend to be Allie, tries to seduce the fiance, tries to take over herself and become Allie -- and all hell breaks loose. This is the NYC dystopia in the form of the roommate from hell, how our worst dystopia isn't a city full of criminals but a house full of craziness. It's also just a really good mainstream thriller, the kind of movie they don't make anymore.
Of course, if NYC had someone who helped to make the city a transportation dystopia that persists to this day -- Robert Moses, the 20th century "master builder" who rammed highways all over town and starved public transportation. There's a new play about him on Broadway played by, of all people, Ralph Fiennes called Straight Line Crazy. Believe it or not, even though it's about a famous New Yorker, this play is a fully British production -- Brit actor, writer, and director, first premiering at the National Theater in London. This news story about the play is fascinating -- watching Ralph Fiennes describe how Robert Moses wanted to thrust a highway in Lower Manhattan is bizarre and amazing to watch.
Because the real news is so depressing (war, recession, the Republican presidential primary), it's always great when something about sex becomes newsworthy.
Sex doesn't just sell -- it distracts.
The big news around town for the last couple of weeks has been about a suburban soccer mom who was busted for being a big time Manhattan madam. Apparently she had lots of girls (sometimes, in the parlance of the trade, referred to as "bitches") who she hooked up with clients for about $1000 a pop (hehe). Basically she would just call or text the girls, tell them to go to a hotel or an apartment, the gal and the client would shtup, and then they would go their separate ways.
And now one of the girls speaks! Read all about it in this anonymous tell all!
And what she has to say is amazingly ... uninteresting.
This gal would just sit around and wait for a call, go practice her trade and then ... wait for another call. She didn't like working in an office or doing anything else apparently, so she just did nothing else except wait for a call. The guys she banged were not, according to her, famous or even really rich. They were basically middle aged executives. No governors or senators or big time actors -- just upper class working stiffs. She said that she didn't even mind having sex with gross guys. Or anyone.
This broad makes her sex sound really, really boring.
No one beat her or handcuffed her. No one wanted a certain kind of "discipline" administered. Sometimes a guy would want a threesome -- and even that was apparently less than fun.
After reading all this, my only question is, what were they paying her for? For $1000, her clients deserved better. If I were one of them, I would be demanding a refund.
Dating in NYC is like trying to write War and Peace in a bumper car in an amusement park -- your strives towards perfection is continually interrupted by the realities around you (Stanley Kubrick said this about making movies but I think it's an apt comparison). And talking about movies, movies like When Harry Met Sally ... and TV shows like Friends and Sex and the City make dating in NYC look really glamorous -- everybody's rich and beautiful, with great jobs and apartments and oceans of free time, and the weather is always perfect.
These movies and TV shows might be fun to watch but they sure ain't reality. The realities of dating in New York is both funnier, scarier, and a lot more complicated than any fictional rendering could ever be. And no one talks about the realities of dating in NYC better than the Dateable Dork. Her blog has to be the most honest and most hilarious forum about love and lovin' in NYC that I've ever read. With great wittiness and energy, she takes you into her life and makes you laugh and think about the craziness of love in NYC. The Dateable Dork reminds you that not all New Yorkers are characters straight out of a Candace Bushnell novel but are people who can be more interesting, more intriguing and, yes, more dorky, than anyone could imagine.
She agreed to answer my questions about what makes her a dork and why dating in NYC is a such a crazy adventure.
I have a hard time believing that any woman can really be a dork. Convince us that you're one of my breed.
You've never met a female dork? Wow, you don't know what you're missing! I really am a total dork, in all the typical ways you would imagine for a male. I'm uncoordinated, too tall, I snort when I laugh, my fashion sense is always two (or ten) seasons behind, I talk about science at cocktail parties (which never fails to get groans from the crowd), etc. The only thing I'm missing is the pair of glasses with the Band-Aid in the middle. Believe it: I'm a dork.
According to Jerry Seinfeld, 95% of all people are "un-dateable." What makes you part of the other 5%?
First of all, I love Seinfeld. Just had to get that out of the way. Despite my dorky persona, I really do think I'm totally dateable. The caveat is that I'm dateable to other dorks. I'll never get the super slick guy who dates supermodels, but for the average, normal, somewhat nerdy guy, I think I'm a great catch! I'm smart, interesting, educated, fun to be around, and I look great in heels and a miniskirt. I'm the girl you can bring home to your parents and then have all sorts of kinky sex with afterwards. I've got my shit together, I have a dorky but respectable job, and I'm not afraid to laugh at how ridiculous I am. What's not to love, really?
So tell us how your blog the Dateable Dork came to be – and why it went away and then came back (that is, if you want to tell us about that).
I started the Dateable Dork because I realized that I need an outlet for all the crazy dating drama that had completely taken over my life. I had been emailing my dating stories to my friends on a daily basis, and I think they were getting really, really sick of it. At first they were interested, but eventually I could tell that they were about to disown me or something. So I started putting all my drama out into cyberspace, and it made me and my friends much happier people.
Now... do we really want to get into "the incident?" I'll make this short and sweet: when a guy I had been dating found my blog, read all the dirty details about my dating/sex life, and dumped my ass in a raging ball of flames, I kind of went into a state of shock. It was as if my whole world had imploded. I lost a guy that had real potential, my secret identity had been discovered, and I was pretty much a total mess. I didn't know what to do... so I just deleted the whole thing. It was the only thing I could think of that made any sense.
I always knew that I'd be back ... eventually. I just needed some time to get over the shock, which (to be perfectly honest) took a lot longer than I thought it would. I spent a lot of time being sad and depressed until I finally decided that I was overreacting and needed to get over it already. And I did. I started writing again, and it made me feel so much better.
Books, TV shows, movies, and now blogs like yours have made dating in NYC a cottage industry, and it seems like finding love in this town is a frustrating, time consuming, expensive, hopelessly complex adventure in Social Darwinism. Do you agree? What are your thoughts?
Yes, I completely agree - dating in New York is very much akin to survival of the fittest. It's so hard just to come out of it in one piece! Despite all my adventures in dating, I never seem to come out of it with anything to show for myself (clearly I am not at the top of the evolutionary scale) except for credit card bills filled with cute outfits and my half of expensive dinners. But here's the thing: I have a theory about dating in New York. It's so simple, but so true. There are millions of people in this city, which you would think would make it easy to find someone. However, in reality, the abundance of available dates makes every one's standards impossibly high. I'm guilty of this myself. If you don't like someone, throw him back! There are millions of others. Too short, too tall, too much of a mama's boy? Next! Realistic standards go out the window when there are just so many people to choose from. The perfect one has got to be out there, somewhere... right?
The (sad but true) joke is that "nice guys" finish last, and it does seem like a lot of women prefer to date "bad boys" who end up making them miserable. As a woman, why do you think that is? Are most nice guys just too boring?
I don't know how much stock I take in the whole "nice guys finish last" adage. A nice guy is exactly what I'm looking for, and I think most of my single female friends would say the same. Yes, most women have that irresistible desire to hook up with a "bad boy" -- we love the taboo and the drama of it all. But we don't want to date bad boys, we just want to use them and then throw them away (sorry, boys). If I'm looking for an actual relationship, I want a nice, normal, stable, professional guy who will actually enjoy my dorky science jokes and who my mom will be crazy about. Nice guys may be more "boring" than bad boys, but "boring" is not necessarily a bad thing.
What do you, the Dateable Dork, look for in a guy – or are your standards too high?
Oh my god, my standards are way too high. I'm just as guilty of this as everyone else! Earlier this year, I wrote a post about exactly what I look for in a guy, and everyone seemed to think that it read more like a job interview than anything else. My standards are focused on narrowing down the pool of available men to those that meet my basic dating requirements. From there, I just cross my fingers and hope that the chemistry is right! "Requirements" include things like never being married before, no kids, a college degree, non-virgin, non-smoker, lives close to my apartment, and the ultimate deal breaker: does not live with parents. What's hilarious is that I actually manage to find these date-worthy men, and I still always wind up striking out! Clearly I have no idea what I'm doing and am just as hopeless as everyone else.
Your blog is very funny and has generated quite the fan base. Is being funny a help or a hindrance for you and other funny women when it comes to dating?
Hahaha, it's so strange to hear people say that I'm funny because I am so NOT funny in person! I guess it comes out in my writing but not so much in my real life. I have a weird sense of humor in person, and no one really seems to get it. Oh well. In fact, I think that if I were funnier in person, it would probably help me out in the dating world. Guys like funny chicks, right?
As for my blog generating quite the fan base ... I'm flattered, really. : ) It's amazing to me that anyone is actually interested in reading about my dating drama, but whatever, I can roll with it. I love my readers -- everyone I have encountered in the blogosphere has been totally awesome. Thanks, guys!
Tell us something about the Dateable Dork we don't know.
Hmm ... this is a tough one because I usually spill everything on my blog! Here's something that I know I've never written about - I didn't lose my virginity until age 20. I just had absolutely no interest in sex! I was so busy studying (I'm a big dork, remember?) and concentrating and being productive that sex was just not even on the radar. Sure, I dated, but I probably frustrated the hell out of all my boyfriends because I would never sleep with them. Aww, poor guys. If I only knew what I was missing.
Finally, what do you love about NYC.
Although there are endless things to love about New York, the thing I love most is that it's home. Cheesy, I know, but it's true. I love that every time I cross Houston street I think of my grandmother who grew up downtown. I love that office buildings in midtown remind me of my mom working as a secretary in the 80s -- it's all very "Working Girl." I love that some people think of Bryant Park as the home of fashion week, but I think of it as "that park where I had a great second date." It's not surprising that, after all these years, I'm still here in New York - it's home, I love it, and I'm here to stay. (Oh, and I love that New Yorkers are angry. There's nothing like some good old-fashioned angst to wake you up in the morning. Hahaha. Move aside, bitches! I'm late for work!).
