Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Memo from NYC

Why is Dick Cheney such a giant, raging prick?

When our beloved former VP isn't busy having heart attacks or shooting people in the face, he's out there kvetching about the brand new Obama administration, criticizing its every move. As was Cheney's vice-presidency unprecedented in its power and secrecy, so now is his former VEEPiness unprecedented in its utter lack of class.

According to custom and unwritten rules of decorum, when Presidents and Vice-Presidents leave office, they clear out of DC and stay out of the news for about a year or so. Even if they do pop up in the media every now and then, at least for the first couple of years, they don't criticize their successors. They shut the hell up and let the new people do their job.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore extended Bush and Cheney this courtesy in 2001. Bush Sr. and Dan Quayle did so as well to Clinton and Gore in 1993. And to his credit, Bush Jr. has thus far been quite respectful of Obama and Biden.

Not Cheney.

Oh no.

This creep, just weeks out of office, was giving interviews saying that Obama was weakening America. Oh yes, according to his Dickiness, Obama is making us vulnerable to terrorist attacks and dragging us on the road to serfdom. We're in a lot of trouble! (so cries Dick).

Why? Because apparently Barack Obama doesn't think we should run the country and influence the world the same way Dick Cheney would. Obama thinks that the Bush/Cheney years were a miserable failure and America should go in a less reactionary, more progressive direction. And apparently, as the last election showed and the current polls show, THE VAST MAJORITY OF AMERICANS AGREE!

But what's really gotten Dick mad, what's really gotten him all angry, is that President Obama doesn't think the USA should torture people. Obama has this crazy notion that torture is morally wrong, illegal, degrades America's image in the world, and undermines our great moral authority. Not only that but experts agree that torture doesn't really work in getting info from prisoners that helps protect America. Actually, torture makes it more difficult to get good information because you can't rely on the info tortured prisoners give!

Try telling Dick that. He thinks we should torture early and often. Torture really gets Dick hard.

I have a new name for Vice-President Cheney: Torture Boy.

What a miserable, bitter, rejected, pitiable man Torture Boy is. Approaching seventy, after forty years in public life, he can't accept that America has rejected him, his party, and his worldview. Obviously it's driving him crazy and so now he's just venting, "warning" us. Consider ourselves warned Dick. Now go away.

I seriously think Dick Cheney -- out of time, out of power, out of step with America -- actually wants there to be another terrorist attack on America. I'm sure that deep down in his artificial heart, he probably prays every night that we'll get hit again. "That'll show 'em that I'm right!"


Of course, this is a free country (despite Dick Cheney's best efforts) and our former VP has the right to say whatever the hell he wants to whoever cares to listen. After all, it's his freedom along with more than 300 million Americans that Obama works every day to secure -- even if Dick Cheney doesn't believe it.

But, as I mentioned before, he's still violating previously held rules of decorum that take place after transitions of power. Like the whiny, petulant child that he is, Cheney is showing no respect, meddling where he's doesn't belong. And like he did to our laws on torture and the office of the Vice-Presidency, it looks like Torture Boy is re-writing these other old rules as well.

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